The Project Team definitions you may enjoy?

I always enjoyed reading this one, my favourite? Quantity Surveyors of course!


Sub Contractor: a gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal

Tender Submission: a poker game in which the losing hand wins

Tender Sum: a wild guess carried out to two decimal places

Successful Tender: a contractor who is wondering what he left out

Architect's Estimate: a cost of construction in heaven

Management Contract: the technique of losing your shirt under perfect control

Completion Date: the point at which liquidated damages begin.

Liquidated Damages: a penalty for failing to achieve the impossible

Quantity Surveyors: people who go in after the war is lost and bayonet the wounded.

Lawyers: people who go in after the Quantity surveyors and strip the bodies.

60 reasons for a closed mind

I have this list in a load of papers I have in my file and it reminded me of some of the crass comments I have received in the past on work that I have done. perhaps a few of you may recognise these in your experience:

We tried that before
Our place is different
It costs too much
That’s beyond our responsibility
That’s not my job
We’re all too busy to do that
It’s too radical a change
We don’t have the time
Not enough help
That will make other equipment obsolete
Let’s make a market research test of it first
Our office is too small for it
Not practical for our level of staff
The men will never buy it
The staff association will scream
We’ve never done it before
It’s against company policy
Runs up our overheads
We don’t have the authority
That’s too ivory tower
Let’s get back to reality
That’s not our problem
Why change it, it’s still working OK
I don’t like the idea
You’re right, but……
You’re two years ahead of your time
We’re not ready for that
We don’t have the money, equipment, room, personnel
It isn’t in the budget
Can’t teach and old dog new tricks
Good thought, but impractical
Let’s hold it in abeyance
Top management would never go for it
Let’s give it more thought
Let’s put it in writing
we’ll be the laughing stock
Not that again
we’d lose money in the long run
where’d you dig that one up?
We did all right without it
That’s what we can expect from O&M
It’s never been tried before
Let’s shelve it for the time being
Let’s form a committee
Has anyone else tried it?
Customer’s won’t like it
I don’t see the connection
It won’t work in our office
What you are really saying is ….
Maybe that will work in your department, but not mine
The Executive Committee will never go for it
Don’t you think we should look into it further before we act?
What do hey do in our competitor offices
Let’s all sleep on it
It can’t be done
It’s too much trouble to change
It won’t pay for itself
I know a fellow who tried it
It’s impossible
We’ve always done it this way

Binary Conundrum

I am indebted to Kevin who often reminds me of this one:

There are 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don't!!

When to use a Scotsman!!

Now don't rush out and grab some poor guy in a Kilt. This is an acronym:

SCOTSMAN:

Solution
Competition
Originality/Only me
Timescales
Size
Money
Authority
Need

It is used to qualify potential business and often used by sales teams. Mind you it is pretty useful in the Project Manager's toolkit especially when bidding or starting a project.

One I did hear at a meeting

I was in a meeting years ago when the Project Manager who was about to get a roasting about the performance on the project, before anyone had a chance to speak stated:

"There were two Lions walking down Oxford Street one day. One said to the other "there aren't many people about today".

With that he got up and left the meeting, went back to the office and resigned. That was the last time I saw him!

Things you may say delivering bad news!

Things I'd love to say at a meeting perhaps delivering bad news but have never tried. I like the idea of this one. Attend the meeting dressed in large leather full length coat, wraparound sunglasses and take a blue and red sweet (candy) into the meeting.

Deliberately placing these on the table, glance around the room and say those famous words:

"This is your last chance. After this there is no turning back. You take the blue pill: the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill: you stay in Wonderland and I show you just how deep the rabbit hole goes."

It may not help delivering the bad news but will leave the audience astounded allowing you to make your escape.

Using a Rigid Approach

I don't know who drew this but it always raises a laugh especially when introducing a methodology like Prince 2 into an organisation. Imposing a methodology can be quite a change and lightening the message sometime helps. Have fun

A bit of fun not waving......

Programme (Program) Vs. Project Differences

This is a brief list of the differences between Programmes and Projects

Programmes

• Less well defined end date, some go on for many years, or until a defined organisation state has been achieved

• Focus is on delivering benefits (or maximised income), requires involvement after projects have ended. Every programme must directly benefit the organisation in some way

• More complicated; interfaces with strategy, contains many projects, drives operational change

• Exist in a world that is constantly changing. These changes need to be constantly monitored and their impact on the programme and its project controlled and managed

• Macro view; have to consider the combined effect of a portfolio of projects, which should produce synergistic benefits, but sometimes conflict with each other. A balanced view is needed, which is sometimes detrimental to a few projects in the portfolio
  

Projects

• Defined start and finish dates

• Focus is on delivering products. These products will be used by the operational parts of the organisation, but not all of them will directly produce benefits

• Simpler; only have to focus on delivering defined products.

• Projects are ‘ring fenced’. Change control is a more structured and it is easier to control activities.

• Micro view; only concerned with delivering what has been defined, on time, to budget and to acceptable quality. Project Managers are only concerned with other projects if their project is dependent on them. They will fight against any other project with threatens the success of their own project.

Project Management Quotes

This one is attributed to Sir John Harvey-Jones - it is so true.

"Planning is an unnatural process - it's much more fun to get on with it. The real benefit of not planning is that failure comes as a complete surprise and is not preceded by months of worry"

Rudyard Kipling and Project Management

I keep this pasted in to my diary. Thanks to Rudyard Kipling:

I keep six honest serving-men

(They taught me all I knew);

Their names are

What

And Why

And When

And How

And Where

And Who.

I send them over land and sea,

I send them east and west;

But after they have worked for me,

I give them all a rest.

Thanks to Rudyard Kipling for the above

Project Phrases and their REAL meanings

A number of phrases used on projects. Any you recognise?

A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still guessing at this point.)

Close project coordination. (We sat down and had coffee together.)

An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach. (We just hired three punk kids out of school.)

Major technological breakthrough! (It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!)

Customer satisfaction is believed assured. (We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.)

Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)

Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it actually worked!)

The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only guy who understood the thing quit.)

It is in process. (It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.)

We will look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems already.)

Please note and initial. (Let's spread the responsibility for this.)

Give us the benefit of your thinking. (We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we have already done or with what we are going to do.)

Give us your interpretation. (We can't wait to hear your bull.)

See me or let's discuss. (Come to my office, I've messed up again.)

All new. (Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.)

Rugged. (Don't plan to lift it without major equipment.)

Robust! (Rugged, but more so)

Light weight. (Slightly lighter than rugged)

Years of development. (One finally worked)

Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off.)

No maintenance. (Impossible to fix)

Low maintenance. (Nearly impossible to fix)

Fax me the data. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)

We are following the standard! (That's the way we have always done it)

Contract Indexing

Click the header to download the PDF Document.

A little project I did a while ago. Consolidating a massive contract into a single electronic document and using standard indexing and hyperlinking tools to make it easier to understand. It is surprising why this is not done more regularly these days. Perhaps the paperless office still isn't accepted even in the 21st Century?

Hydra Manager The Value Proposition

Click the header of this post to download the PDF document.

This is about Hydra Manager a tool I have been setting up and implementing for customer for a while now. It uses a resource centric approach and is totally different from most of the other tools out there, it works differently and is easy to pick up, it never over allocates and it "does exactly what it says on the tin"....

Again, more later..

Resource Centric Project Management

Click the header for the PDF document.

This article very briefly explores the use of a Resource Centric approach to project and program (or programme) management. It explores what the issues are with today's standard project management planning tools and explores the use of a resource rather than a task based approach.

I hope to post some more information around this subject later.

Project management 50 things to remember

This arrived in my inbox and I can only attribute it to the WWW.

1.It takes one woman nine months to have a baby. It cannot be done in one month by impregnating nine women.
2.Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have to do it.
3.You can con a sucker into committing to an impossible deadline, but you cannot con him into meeting it.
4.At the heart of every large project is a small project trying to get out.
5.The more desperate the situation the more optimistic the situatee.
6.A problem shared is a buck passed.
7.A change freeze is like the abominable snowman: it is a myth and would anyway melt when heat is applied.
8.A user will tell you anything you ask, but nothing more.
9.Of several possible interpretations of a communication, the least convenient is the correct one.
10.What you don't know hurts you
11.There's never enough time to do it right first time but there's always enough time to go back and do it again.
12.The bitterness of poor quality lasts long after the sweetness of making a date is forgotten.
13.I know that you believe that you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realise that what you heard is not what I meant.
14.What is not on paper has not been said.
15.A little risk management saves a lot of fan cleaning.
16.If you can keep your head while all about you are losing theirs, you haven't understood the plan.
17.If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.
18.Feather and down are padding, changes and contingencies will be real events.
19.There are no good project managers - only lucky ones.
20.The more you plan the luckier you get.
21.A project is one small step for the project sponsor, one giant leap for the project manager.
22.Good project management is not so much knowing what to do and when, as knowing what excuses to give and when.
23.If everything is going exactly to plan, something somewhere is going massively wrong.
24.Everyone asks for a strong project manger - when they get them they don't want them.
25.Overtime is a figment of the naive project manager's imagination.
26.Quantitative project management is for predicting cost and schedule overruns well in advance.
27.The sooner you begin coding the later you finish.
28.Metrics are learned men's excuses.
29.For a project manager overruns are as certain as death and taxes.
30.Some project finish on time in spite of project management best practices.
31.Fast - cheap - good - you can have any two.
32.There is such a thing as an unrealistic timescale.
33.The project would not have been started if the truth had been told about the cost and timescale.
34.A two-year project will take three years, a three year project will never finish.
35.When the weight of the project paperwork equals the weight of the project itself, the project can be considered complete.
36.A badly planned project will take three times longer than expected - a well planned project only twice as long as expected.
37.Warning: dates in a calendar are closer than they appear to be.
38.Anything that can be changed will be changed until there is no time left to change anything.
39.There is no such thing as scope creep, only scope gallop.
40.A project gets a year late one day at a time.
41.If you're 6 months late on a milestone due next week but really believe you can make it, you're a project manager.
42.No project has ever finished on time, within budget, to requirement and yours won't be the first to
43.Activity is not achievement.
44.Managing IT people is like herding cats.
45.If you don't know how to do a task, start it, then ten people who know less than you will tell you how to do it.
46.If you don't plan, it doesn't work. If you do plan, it doesn't work either. Why plan!
47.The person who says it will take the longest and cost the most is the only one with a clue how to do the job.
48.The sooner you get behind schedule, the more time you have to make it up.
49.The nice thing about not planning is that failure comes as a complete surprise rather than being preceded by a period of worry and depression.
50.Good control reveals problems early - which only means you'll have longer to worry about them.